Review Information
Game Reviewed Super Crown Land, by Hello
Review Author Mors
Created May 16 2020, 11:20 AM

General Commentary and Game Overview
I'm going to lose my mind.
 
Pros + Controls better than Super Mario Prism.
+ You can play as Naruto.
+ Hilarious for all the wrong reasons.
 
Cons - Still bad controls
- Terrible level design
- Unfitting music
- Not so great graphics
- Bad presentation
- Weird dialogue
 
Impressions
Gameplay
1 / 10
This is a game about Bowsette, where you're trying to collect Power Stars and unlock new worlds, Mario 64 style. Each world is themed after a different "-ette" character, like Booette, Goombette, etc.

Ok, first of all, Bowsette in 2020... really? I'd get it if this was released in 2018 when the Bowsette thing was big, but now it feels weird to make a game like this.

But you know what, sure, Bowsette it is. I might not like the concept, but there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

So... let's talk about the actual gameplay. I'll start with the controls. They aren't terrible.

They aren't good either, but at least you can get used to them fairly quickly, and they kind of "work" once you do. That being said, they never feel right, and it's weirdly hard to get your character to land on where you want if you're launched with a spring. This wouldn't be much of an issue if the game didn't have sections where you gotta use springs to land on other springs.

This is with a controller though, I can't even imagine playing through this game with a keyboard, and no I'm not willing to give that a try.

The level design, on the other hand, IS indeed terrible. There's a massive overreliance on simple platforming challenges and pushing boxes into switches. This might not sound too bad, but remember, the controls aren't really all that great, and the boxes barely function. No seriously, the physics is horrible for these boxes. It's impossible to push them in a straight line, they fall like they are on the moon and once you push them into a corner, you gotta restart the level since you can't pull them back. In most of the levels where that's possible Hello was kind enough to provide an orange switch that respawns the boxes, but again, only in MOST of the levels, not all. But even if the boxes DID function properly, it would still suck, since it's still just pushing boxes into switches. Just that, no complexity, nothing else. It's as simplistic as it can get. And you do this over and over and over again it gets super repetitive. You did the same thing in Hello's past 3D games too, which makes things worse.

Now, Hello DID do some attempts to at least mask that repetitiveness, but they all end up making things worse overall. Like for example there's a level where there are a ton of huge Goombas. What does it add? NOTHING. They are just regular Goombas scaled up. Not to mention that they have the worst hitboxes ever. Yeah, that whole level is a pain just because of those hitboxes. They don't match up with the model at all, and it really is not clear at what height you can stomp on the Goombas. Combine this with the not ideal controls and abysmal level design and you get a level that's just a hell to go through.

But being a "hell to go through" isn't exclusive to that level. Besides the first 2 levels ALL, and I mean ALL the levels are a pain to play.

Another example of trying to mask shitty level design with bad gimmicks, there's a level where you have to wear one of those flashlight box helmet thingies. It SUCKS 'cus you can't see anything besides where your character is facing. What's so fun about limiting your point of view for absolutely no reason besides to add artificial difficulty? Nothing. And the level is just like all the other levels besides that gimmick. You jump on platforms and push boxes... Fun.

The level design otherwise is very straightforward, to a fault even. The level geometry is very simplistic, and while there are some optional cards you can collect, most of the levels are pretty linear.

And the worlds themselves... Weeeellllllllll, they are mostly harmless, a bit generic, but not too offensive. That being said, there are 2 standout worlds that stick out to me for different reasons.

The first one is the cave one. It looks 100% the same as the one in Super Mario Prism and Toadette's Sweet Gallery. No, seriously, it's the same exact look. I thought it looked kind of pretty in Prism but like come on, you can't just use the same level theme for 3 games in a row. It's nothing special otherwise but like, yeah, it just feels lazy.

The other one is... School themed.

Okay so, I kind of like this idea on paper. It's a school filled with Koopas etc., and each level has some kind of a mini-story. The first level is about all the enemies playing soccer. I kinda like that idea, it's kind of creative!

But the issue is that there's a secondary theme to the world.

Anime.

Yes, anime.

And it just comes off as so... bizarre. Not because it has any effect on the game itself, but because the dialogue feels like it's written by someone who has never watched anime but only got exposed to it through the internet. There are lines like "I wanna eat lots of ramen like Naruto! Wheee!" and "That Koopa over there just called my Waifu trash! Can you believe it? Emilia is obviously the best girl, but he likes Rem! Unbelievable!".

What am I even playing? Is this game... a joke? Did Hello make this game to f*** with us? Is this even real? Am I dreaming?

There's even a Koopa that says "My favorite genre of music is Anime music! There's nothing better than singing along with lyrics you don't even understand!". What even is the implication here? Is Hello trying to s*** on Anime music? Is this the proof that Hello actually hates anime but adds all this in because of... reasons????????????????????????? I don't get it. There are also parts where you have to push a Wii U instead of a box because... Wii U sounds similar to "weeaboo".

I get it, you're trying to add humor into your game, and I get it, this is a fangame, you don't have to be 100% serious. But this all feels so forced, it's all very stereotypical stuff, and it's on top of all the other weird stuff that's in this game. Not to mention that none of the jokes are funny for their intended reason.

Oh, you want an example of the other weird stuff? Sure, what about the unlockable characters? That's not weird, what's weird are the characters you can unlock.

You can unlock Mario and Luigi. Ok makes sense. You can also unlock Sonic. Sure, why not. There's also Kanna. You know, that girl from the wholesome dragon anime. And Rem from ReZero. And that one girl from that one anime game. And Naruto.

Yes, Naruto.

WHY NARUTO?????

Why are there so many completely random anime characters? Why anime? Was anime the first thing that came into Hello's mind when he thought of Bowsette? Some of the "-ette" characters act in very "anime" ways too. "It's not like I was trying to look smart of anything! I was just letting you know! Hmph!" is a real quote from the game. You can't make this s*** up.

The game also loves showering you with Bowsette art. The loading screens, the level paintings, the cards you can collect, the dialogue mugshots... They are all plastered with random "-ette" art grabbed from the internet. Hello at least credited the artists, but it still feels like a very lazy way to add fanservice to a game that doesn't need any, and it sure contributes to the bizarre vibe of the game.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know if the inclusion of all the anime stuff was Hello trolling us, or trying to be hip with the kids. I'd normally assume that it's the latter but I don't even know anymore.
 
Graphics
2 / 10
The presentation overall is awful. The fonts used through the dialogue and HUD are very ugly and hard to read, and none of the other interface elements feel anywhere close to looking polished. For Super Mario Prism I understood, but this is Hello's 3rd 3D game, why is there 0 improvement? It's especially baffling when his 2D games actually had decent looking UI.

What makes the matter worse is the usage of previously mentioned Bowsette art. They are all in wildly different styles, and some of them are in lower quality than others, while some of them are weirdly stretched.

The actual graphics are better, but not by much. The textures used on the environments are alright, and the lighting looks pretty decent on the level geometry but everything else... Oh man.

All the objects have this lazy and not-so-nice-looking cel-shading effect applied to them. But just the objects. The level geometry has lighting that's pretty much same as Hello's previous 3D games. The skyboxes and water effects etc. are all pretty much identical too in terms of style. This causes pretty much everything to clash with each other, so while the individual assets look ok when everything comes together the game ends up looking not particularly pretty.

The animations are, uh, not that great also.
 
Sound
1 / 10
This is some of the most unfitting music I've ever heard in any video game. The individual songs aren't terrible, but when they are actually in the game they sound bad. REAL BAD. Why would you even put a song that has the lyrics "Bowsette is kinda hot." into this game? Why would you put a trap remix of Wooded Kingdom into this game? Why?

The sound effects are also not much better. I mean I guess the actual voice effects are alright but the voice samples... I'm not a big fan of those. Like, why does Bowsette even sound like regular Bowser? I guess it kinda makes sense on paper but it's so unfitting when you actually play the game. And all the other unlockable characters besides Mario, Luigi, and Sonic have the most annoying voice samples ever.
 
Final Words
1 / 10
Hello is messing with us. There's no other possible explanation. There's absolutely no other way a game this absurd could be made. Never once in my life have I played a game that feels like a fever dream as much as this one, and there's no way this was unintentional.

We all got played fellas. We all fell for Hello's trap. All those 15 or however many years of fangames? Yeah, they were all leading to this game. It was all planned. Good job Hello, you win.

Comments
User Icon
Inky
Jul 7 2020, 3:55 AM
"Pros; + You can play as Naruto."

"Gameplay 1/10;

...And Naruto.
Yes, Naruto.
WHY NARUTO?????..."

i'm quite confused on if it's a pro or a con now
 
User Icon
Mors
Jul 7 2020, 7:10 PM
Quote (Inky on Jul 7 2020, 3:55 AM)
"Pros; + You can play as Naruto."

"Gameplay 1/10;

...And Naruto.
Yes, Naruto.
WHY NARUTO?????..."

i'm quite confused on if it's a pro or a con now

it's ridiculous that's why I put it in pros lol
 
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